


Psychedelic Silhouette

by eightprince



Series: Acid Trip [2]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 12:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11600628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eightprince/pseuds/eightprince
Summary: in which Yongguk drinks his pain away





	Psychedelic Silhouette

If I could be a robot, I'd be the kind of robot that throws all your tears into the trash can.

Don't cry. I'll make the pain go away.

However, if you'd like, you can go ahead and cry. Let it out. I'll throw all your tears away.

I'll be an eggplant. The kind of eggplant that listens to you when there's no other ears to be lent.

Go ahead and stretch me out. 

Put me on your tongue. Inhale then exhale.

Drink me. Drink it all until you can't feel a thing.

Drink it all until you can see me.

But make sure you cut me into pieces, so my footprints can't be found.

This has to be the third time this week Yongguk got drunk.

He's been drinking the pain away for a long time.

An alcoholic? You can say that. He doesn’t refer to him as such. It’s kind of…complicated.

He drinks and he smokes to achieve that high.

Yongguk does it so he can see him.

Him.

He'll take all of Yongguk problems away. He always does.

He reeks of weed and alcohol, but it's worth it just to see his face.

"Himchan," Yongguk calls, eyes half lidded, drink in his hand, "Where are you?"

His vision is blurry, so it takes a little while for his eyes to adjust.

It takes a little while for "Himchan" to appear right in front of him.

I’m here, love," Himchan says with a smile.

"Himchan," Yongguk frowns, "Himchan, come here baby."

"Is something the matter?"

Yongguk doesn't say anything back.

"Is it the depression? Do you want to talk?"

Yongguk nods. He feels pathetic turning to Himchan for help.

Mainly because Himchan doesn't really exist.

Despite Himchan being imaginary, he's a very good listener and he gives good advice.

"What's wrong, love?" Himchan asks again, approaching Yongguk.

"It hurts," he whispers. 

Himchan makes himself comfortable on Yongguk's couch, "Tell me everything that's eating at you, love. I'll promise to make it all go away for a little while."

"Himchan, do you ever just...feel empty? Like, nothing brings you joy anymore?

I used to love hanging out with friends. I'm a shy person, but I still loved it. Now, I don't feel like doing anything that involves social interaction. I just want to drink and smoke.

I used to love making music. My motivation to make music has plummeted..."

Himchan listens to him, taking in every word he says.

He watches the tears Yongguk was trying to hold back stain his cheeks.

"I'm pathetic," Yongguk whispers again, "and I can't do anything about it. It sucks, feeling this way.."

Himchan watches Yongguk take another sip of his drink before setting it down on the coffee table in front of them and tucking his knees to his chest.

He looks really pathetic.

But Himchan's used to Yongguk being this pathetic. He's seen it too many times, even though he doesn’t exist.

He pulls Yongguk into a tight hug, squeezing the emotions out of him.

Yongguk unravels himself to wrap his arms around Himchan.

"Let it all out," Himchan whispers, and Yongguk begins to cry harder.

"I'm sorry," he says, voice shaky, "I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.

I'm just sorry."

"Don't be sorry, love."

"I can't help it."

Himchan places a small kiss on his forehead, kissing Yongguk's emotions away until he feels nothing.

"Does it still hurt?" Himchan asks.

Yongguk pulls him close, "I don't feel anything anymore."

"You know I love you, right? You can come to me if you need help."

"Thank you, Himchan."

If I could be a flower, I'd be a flower that turns your desert into a garden.

Dozens and dozens of rainflowers would fill that garden.

I love you back.

I must atone for my sins.

But of course, as always, I will never forget you.

If I could be an animal, I'd be a kitten.

I'd be a kitten and I'd purr for you when there's no other voice that can wake you up from your nightmare.

You can wake up now.

It's all just a dream. 

With that, Yongguk's eyes flutter open.

The light from the window shines down on him, as if he's in heaven.

Unfortunately, he's not in heaven. He's hungover in his living room.

Bottles of alcohol and empty blunts of weed surround the room, giving off a horrid smell.

Anybody else would gag at the smell, but Yongguk's so used to it, it's not as bad as it used to be.

It's not healthy.

"Himchan? Are you still here?" Yongguk's voice is soft and hoarse.

He frantically searches for Himchan, but he disappeared when Yongguk came down from his high.

One time, Himchan told him that he was his everything. 

That was so long ago.

But now, Yongguk's left with nothing. 

Nothing, except his alcohol, cigarettes and other assorted drugs that can cause one to go on a high.

Yongguk still has this feeling that he'll be able to undo, to redo everything.

If someone believed in him, it could come true.

His days and nights run on his undying love for Himchan.

It's not healthy. Himchan doesn't exist.

Yongguk’s convinced that at some point, Himchan roamed the earth, but now, he ceases to exist. He’s like some kind of spirit or illusion now.

Himchan isn’t sure what he is, nor how he ended up like this. All he knows is that he’s here to help Yongguk when he needs him the most.

Mix me up.

Mix me like how you mix alcohol together.

Mix me like how you mix different drugs together to achieve that high you desperately crave for.

I’m that high that you seek.

Are you willing to die to achieve that high?

Make sure you tear me into pieces when you're done with me, so my real form can't be found.

Yongguk contemplates getting drunk again, since it's eleven in the morning and he already has one hell of a headache. To hell with it.

He rolls off the couch and shuffles into the kitchen to go get more vodka.

Vodka is the good shit. That'll give him that high for sure.

He twists open the cap and throws his head back as he drinks straight from the bottle.

He's rotting inside. But it's all for Himchan.

The vodka burns his throat as it quickly makes its way down into the pit of his stomach.

It hurts, but somehow, it also feels really good. It's for Himchan.

Someone taps his shoulder as he's gulping the clear liquid down, and it nearly causes him to choke and drop the bottle.

"Don't be scared, it's only me," Himchan says with a soft voice.

Yongguk sets the bottle on the kitchen counter and turns to face Himchan, "I missed you."

Himchan chuckles, "I was only gone for a few hours."

"I get clingy. You know that."

Himchan chuckles again and holds Yongguk close, "You're so cute."

I just wanted to tug your hair behind your ear.

I just wanted to hold you in my arms.

I’m not able to do that anymore, physically, but I’ll always be here.

I'll always wait for you when I'm ready to get high.

I don't think I could have gotten so far without you. I'm nothing without you.

Yongguk's nothing without Himchan.

He’s so dependent on him now, and it’s becoming unhealthy.

Without Himchan and his soft words, Yongguk would be more pathetic than he already is.

But, somehow, Yongguk still wishes that Himchan was real and he'd be here.

You're my poison.

Himchan is Yongguk's poison.

You're my poison, that psychedelic scent of yours messes with my vision.

I'm addicted to,

Yongguk's addicted to,

I'm addicted to you.

Yongguk's addicted to Himchan.

That taste of yours leaves me begging on my knees for more of you.

Yongguk buries his face into the crook of Himchan's neck, inhaling that psychedelic scent he loves so much.

"You smell so good," Yongguk mumbles into Himchan's neck.

"I didn't spray anything before I came here..."

"But you always smell so good."

"Thank you, love," Himchan smiles a shy smile.

"You don't...you wouldn't mind if I kissed you, would you?"

Himchan hums before grabbing him by his jaw and pressing his lips on his.

That taste. It tastes so good.

It tastes like vodka. Black cherry vodka.

The taste makes Yongguk want to get on his knees and beg for more.

After a few moments, Himchan pulls back and leaves a trail of spit behind.

He mutters an "I'm sorry".

I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry for leaving you in this mess when you needed me the most.

Neither of us wanted it to end up this way. You deserve better.

You deserve so much better. I'll try my best to give it to you.

Do you smell that? It has a very distinct and floral smell. No one can really explain what it smells like. It has a very intense and powerful smell. It smells like opium.

The poppies cry.

The poppies sing.

The poppies bleed as we drifted away.

As we drifted away, I left you poisoned.

You became addicted to me. 

Please, talk to me and tell me the world that you see.

"What do you see?" Himchan asks, softly.

"Everything's hazy," Yongguk replies, "I can see you clearly, but everything else is hazy."

He blinks a few times, but nothing changes. Everything else is still blurry.

"What am I wearing?"

"Nothing."

Himchan purses his lips together before pulling Yongguk into another kiss.  
They kiss and kiss, until Yongguk pulls back and lets out a loud yelp.

That sharp pain in his head is back, and it’s getting more intense by the second.

Himchan reaches out to help him, but eventually, it stops, and everything goes black.

Yongguk's falling.

He's falling deeper into Himchan's skin.

He's sinking. Sinking deeper.

Yongguk's drowning.

He's drowning in Himchan's crystal eyes.

Breathing no more. He can't breathe anymore. It hurt too much to do trivial things to the point where it hurts to breathe.

He's standing at the edge of reality.

Would Himchan miss him if he leaps?

Before Yongguk could leap, his eyes snap open.

He passed out on the kitchen floor. How pathetic.

He stares at the ceiling before standing to his feet.

The vodka's still sitting on the kitchen counter, waiting for him.

Himchan's waiting for him.

Yongguk takes a quick sip of the liquid, scrunching his face up when he swallows it.

It's poisonous. But he wants more of it.

He wants that high.

He takes the bottle into the living room and sets it on the coffee table.

He opens a drawer on the tv stand where he keeps his stash of weed and unrolled blunts.

Don't forget his lighter.

He grabs the baggie full of weed and his blunts. 

Quickly, skillfully, he takes a handful of the drug and puts it in the blunt, rolling it as if it was a child being tucked into bed.

He takes the lighter and lights it up.

He puts it to his mouth and inhales the drug.

The high hits him like like a punch to the jaw.

He's sinking deeper and deeper.

Yongguk continues to inhale the smoke; he'll do anything for that high.

Himchan appears in front of him with a smile on his face.

"I'm back," he says.

"I fucking missed you."

Before Himchan could say "I wasn't even gone for that long", Yongguk mutters an "I'm clingy".

Himchan nods, "I know."

"Come here, baby," Yongguk lets out an odd noise, watching Himchan make his way on the couch next to him.

Go ahead and pick off those scabs you call "life".

Peel them off.

Go on and embrace your naked self, your true self.

All those layers that cover you are slowly dissolving.

Yongguk inhales the drug again so he can see Himchan much more clearly.

Yongguk's rotting in his shell.

He got left behind.

Life left him behind.

Life left him to decay.

I'm rotting. I'm rotting.

He's rotting. He's rotting.

Like a spoiled fruit or vegetable, he's rotting.

Like a dead body, buried six feet under, he's rotting.

"Himchan," he whimpers.

"What is it, love?"

"It hurts. It hurts so bad."

"I'm sorry."

"You were supposed to take the pain away, not make it worse!"

"I'm sorry."

Himchan can only say that he’s sorry. He can’t do anything to help him anymore.

All those talks, the kissing, the hugging, it worked for sometime, but it won’t work anymore. Yongguk’s body is starting to reject him, close him off, shut him out, and Himchan can’t do anything about it anymore.

He slowly dissolves away, whether he likes it or not, he’s dissolving away.

Whether Yongguk likes it or not, Himchan’s dissolving away.

"Himchan!" Yongguk calls out, "Himchan!"

"I'm sorry."

"Where...where are you going?"

"I'm sorry. I have to go now.”

"Don't leave me alone again," Yongguk's voice starts to crack as he reaches out to touch Himchan, "Please, I can't take it."

When Yongguk reaches out to touch him, his hands go right through his body, like a ghost.

Yongguk’s hands start to tremble as he stares at them, then at Himchan, and back at his hands.

“What…” he chokes, “What are you…?”

“I’m not real,” Himchan replies, “You made me up in your head as a way to cope. Remember?”

“What? So you mean--”

“I have to go,” Himchan gives Yongguk a quick kiss on the lips and a smile before he finally disappears into the light, never to be seen again.

Yongguk, somehow, was able to feel Himchan’s lips on his.

Now, he’s all alone again.

He's sorry too. He’s sorry that he was so clingy, sorry that he was so useless, sorry that he’s so dependent on Himchan, and wasn’t able to give him anything in return.

If I could be a human, I'd be a human that would be way better than who you'll ever be.

I'll be a human. A better human.

I'll be a human so I can see you again and hold you close and tug your hair behind your ear.

I'll be a human so I can tell you how much I'm sorry for enabling you to destroy yourself like this.

I'll be a human so we can love each other again.

**Author's Note:**

> i had to google how to spell both of the words in the title,,,
> 
> ALSO i don't really remember where i got this scenario from because i type stuff up on my phone then upload it here weeks later hhhh but i hope yall like it
> 
> based off "rubber human" "opium" and "dk" by mili


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